I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
