i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
