If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
