I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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