i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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