dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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