so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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