theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
