Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
