In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
