Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
