i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
