After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
