just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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