He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
