I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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