My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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