All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Randomize
