I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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