I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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