I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
