i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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