i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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