I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
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