Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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