I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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