I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
