you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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