am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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