I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
