dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
