4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
