Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
why do cheetos always look like penises
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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