i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
