I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
my liver is dry heaving
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize