is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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