A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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