i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Randomize
