i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i want to swaddle you in tequila
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
