Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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