So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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