You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
sarcasm needs its own font
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
