I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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