in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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