She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
