I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
