Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
