Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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