Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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