just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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