She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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