I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize