she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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