Where are you?
In a non slutty way
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Why did my mother make you get naked?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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