bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize