Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
