I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
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