Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize