My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
