I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Randomize
